WE KEEP
RECEIPTS.

RELATIONSHIPS

Engagement Ends After Discovery That He Slow-Blinks at Everyone.

DISTRICT LIFE

ELDERLY CAT TEACHES KITTEN TO USE STAIRS. PRETENDS HE WAS GOING THAT WAY ANYWAY.

A lesson offered entirely by coincidence.

SPORTS

MARATHON DELAYED WHILE GERALD TAKES FINISH LINE UNDER SOFA.

Officials have located the finish. Reaching it is another matter.

CULTURE

Cat Delighted to Be Named in Song. Less Delighted by Second Verse.

DISTRICT LIFE

BIRTHDAY CAT THRILLED THAT EVERY GIFT CAME WITH PAPER.

Another piece! This one makes a different noise!

SPORTS

SPORTS FAN ACCUSED OF SUPPORTING WHICHEVER TEAM HAS THE BALL.

DISTRICT LIFE

MISSING CAT FOUND WATCHING SEARCH PARTY FROM UPSTAIRS WINDOW.

Excellent turnout, according to the cat upstairs.

SOCIETY

MARGOT BRINGS NEW BOYFRIEND TO DINNER. OLD ONE UNDER TABLE.

The seating arrangement has a past.

DISTRICT LIFE

Arthur Hears Doorbell. Best Day of His Life Gets Even Better.

DISTRICT LIFE

Kitten Invites Large Dog to Hide Behind Him During Thunderstorm.

CULTURE DESK

Book Club Agrees Diane has a wierd smell. Book still undiscussed

Breaking Cat News

Wall Street Crashes After Cat Steps on ‘Sell All.’

BUSINESS & LIFESTYLE

LUXURY WATER BOWL LAUNCH HELD BESIDE SINK EVERYONE ACTUALLY DRINKS FROM.

A premium experience, apparently available from the tap.

DISTRICT LIFE

GRAHAM FALLS OFF SAME TABLE TWICE. BLAMES TABLE BOTH TIMES.

The furniture has declined to comment.

CULTURE DESK

“WHY WOULD I DECEIVE YOU?” ASKS CAT IN DOCUMENTARY ABOUT MISSING BIRD.

The bird declined to participate.

DISTRICT LIFE

Retired Tomcat Receives First Toy. Takes It Everywhere.

BREAKING NEWS

Biscuit Runs Upstairs to Tell Other Cat About Downstairs.

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

ORANGE CAT WELCOMES BURGLAR. SHOWS HIM WHERE EVERYONE SLEEPS.

An unexpected visitor receives the full welcome.

DISTRICT GOSSIP / PERSONAL FITNESS

RUFUS UNVEILS NEW PHYSIQUE. IT GOES AWAY WHEN HE CALMS DOWN.

The transformation lasted until the bathroom went quiet.

DISTRICT WATCH / BAG INVESTIGATION

CAT TAKES WRONG TURN INSIDE PAPER BAG. SITUATION DETERIORATES.

The exit remains exactly where it was.

POLITICS / HOSTILE TAKEOVER

CATS DEFEAT REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS. TAKE CONTROL OF CONGRESS.

Less damage expected, even with the scratching.

ADVICE / LOCATION REVIEWS

Great Places to Pee: A Discerning Cat’s Guide.

Fellow cats: why waste good pee? These locashuns put it where humans will really appreciate it.

ROMANCE / PUBLIC RELATIONS

Cat Denies Romance With Dog. Unfortunately, He Is Her Lock Screen.

A society cat dismissed romance rumors this morning, describing the dog as a colleeg with whom she shares several professional interests and, apparantly, a weekend.

DISTRICT WATCH

WINSTON HAS BEEN CARRYING A SOCK FOR TWENTY MINUTES. NO DESTINATION ANNOUNCED.

An important journey, apparently.

DISTRICT GOSSIP

HALLOWEEN DISGUISE FOOLS EVERYONE EXCEPT CAT HE OWES MONEY.

The claws were new. The debt was not.

HOME IMPROVEMENTS

CAT FINDS BUCKET OF HALLOWEEN CANDY. IMPRESSED BY NEW LITTER BOX.

Individually wrapped. Extremely considerate.

THE MORNING AFTER

CAT WAKES UP IN SOMEONE ELSE’S COSTUME. WOULD PREFER NOT TO DISCUSS IT.

He left as a wizard. His friends have other evidence.

HALLOWEEN / STAFF MORALE

HAUNTED HOUSE FAILS TO SCARE CAT. MONSTERS TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

The vampire would like a little professional courtesy.

RELATIONSHIPS / PERSONAL GROWTH

WITCH TURNS BOYFRIEND INTO FROG. CAT FINDS HIM MUCH MORE INTERESTING.

Martin finally brings something to the relationship.

PERSONAL GROWTH / NO RETURNS

MURRAY DECLARES HALLOWEEN STUPID. WILL GO AS HIMSELF.

His new self-help book recommends a less elaborate journey.

HEALTH / PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS

Graham returns from vet having recieved very positive encouragement. He also has no testicles now.

Graham has chosen to focus on the compliments.

HALLOWEEN

Halloween Host Deeply Touched That Someone Came Dressed as Him.

One human arrived at Edgar’s Halloween party dressed as Edgar. His first suspishun was that he was being mocked. He circled the costume twice, looking for evidence.

WARDROBE / BUILDING PERMITS

MURRAY’S NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUME HAS ITS OWN SOLAR SYSTEM.

The cathedral was apparently too restrained.

FASHION

Cat Arrives at Gala in Giant Wings. Cannot Get Through Cat Door.

A fashion cat’s gala entrance entered its second hour after a disagreement with the venue’s dimenshuns. Her stylist called the delay intentional. The photographer called it overtime.

MUSIC

Cat Opens Tiny Desk Concert by Pushing Everything Off Desk.

A visiting singer began his intimate desk performanse with an unscheduled office clearance. Staff initially mistook the first crash for percussion and applauded, establishing a regrettable presedent.

TRAVEL

House Cat Books Wildlife Hotel. Spends Weekend Trying to Impress Tiger.

A house cat called Lionel has returned from a wildlife lodge describing himself as “well connected in the industry.” His principal contact was a tiger visible beyond the room’s secure viewing glass.

TECHNOLOGY

Cat Tests AI Petting Machine. Gives It a One-Star Review for Having No Favorites.

A household cat praised an experimental AI petting machine for its consistensee, quiet motor and excellent cheek technique. His satisfakshun lasted until the other cat received the same treatment.

HOUSEHOLD ADVICE

7 Great Ideas for Our Dog. By Our Cat.

Humans, our dog has tremendous enthuziasm and very little on his calendar. As the cat in charge, I have prepared seven ideas for what you can do with him. He likes being included.

HALLOWEEN

Murray Changes His Halloween Costume. Again. He Is Now a Cathedral.

Murray has revised his Halloween desishun again. He is now a cathedral, a costume he says reflects his lifelong interest in architectchure, which began when he saw this one.

HALLOWEEN / UNFINISHED BUSINESS

HALLOWEEN GHOST STOPS TO LICK ITSELF.

The haunting has paused for personal reasons.

CINEMA / UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Cat Co-Stars Reunite for Sequel. Immediately Resume Argument From First Film.

The sequel has picked up exactly where the hostility left off.

LUXURY / PERISHABLE ASSETS

Captain Barnaby Buys Pumpkin Yacht. Deeply Concerned About Seasonal Depreciation.

Captain Barnaby has questions about the resale market.

WEATHER / EXTENDED OUTLOOK

Weather Desk: Excellent Sunbeam Expected to Reach Other End of Couch.

Conditions are improving at the far cushion.

SEASONAL / FIELD NOTES

7 Ways to Make the Most of Fall, Written by a Cat.

The tree is doing something. Clear your afternoon.

INTERIORS / OCCUPANCY

NEW COOKWARE ARRIVES. GRAHAM MOVES INTO THE COLANDER.

The kitchen upgrade has acquired a tenant.

LOCAL / REPUTATION DAMAGE

LOCAL ENFORCER’S HUMAN CALLS HIM PUDDING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

The boundary negotiations have taken an unfortunate turn.

ASTROLOGY / LIABILITY

PLANET MERCURY BLAMED FOR VASE. MERCURY WAS NOT IN THE ROOM.

A planet has been named in the incident report.

INTERIORS / FINAL APPROVAL

NEW WHITE SOFA UNVEILED. BLACK CAT REQUESTS TEN MINUTES ALONE.

The room is finished. He disagrees.

LOCAL / EXECUTIVE CREDIT

Cat Takes Credit for Dog Chasing Bear Away. Credits Mind Control.

The dog did the running. Management has issued a statement.

SCIENCE / INTERNAL AFFAIRS

KITTEN DISCOVERS TAIL BELONGS TO HIM. INVESTIGATION CONTINUES.

The suspect has been following him all morning.

LOCAL / OBSERVATION ONLY

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH WATCHES BURGLAR. NO ONE GETS UP.

The committee would like its name read more carefully.

LOCAL / BUSINESS AS USUAL

GERALD GETS HEAD STUCK IN TISSUE BOX. CONTINUES MEETING.

The committee has never finished early and will not start now.

LOCAL / ARRANGEMENTS PENDING

FUNERAL FOR MOTH POSTPONED. MOTH FINE.

The family has asked for space. Nobody knows the family.

CULTURE / ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES

Cat’s Acclaimed Dance Routine Turns Out to Be Attempt to Remove Sticker.

Otis is unavailable for an encore.

RELATIONSHIPS / NO RUSH

CAT DENIES PRESSURING BOYFRIEND. WEDDING GUESTS ALREADY SEATED.

She says he is free to decide. Preferably before the salmon.

LOCAL / BELATED ARRIVAL

CAT MISSES BIRTHDAY PARTY. WAS STUCK IN THE CABINET.

He would still like his piece of cake.

FASHION / THE FINAL WORD

White Persian Reviews Fall Fashion. Remains Her Own Best-Dressed Choice.

The collection has been reviewed. The reviewer remains unchanged.

CULTURE / COMMUNITY INVESTMENT

SON OF FAMOUS YOWLER ACCEPTED TO MUSIC SCHOOL. NEIGHBORS OFFER SCHOLARSHIP.

His talent has brought the entire block together.

FAMILY / ADVANCED PLACEMENT

BIG BROTHER TEACHES KITTEN TO CLIMB CURTAINS. BOTH NEED RESCUING.

The introductory course has developed a second part.

MURRAY / A FRESH COMMITMENT

Murray Changes His Halloween Costume. Announces Grand Expedition.

The farewell party and the welcome party have some overlap.

FASHION / STRATEGIC RETREAT

SOCIALITE INSISTS BACKWARD WALK WAS FASHION, NOT PANIC.

Her entrance has been described as an exit. Lawyers are reviewing the footage.

TRAVEL / FAMILIAR CUISINE

CAT RETURNS FROM LUXURY FISHING TRIP. REQUESTS TUNA FROM CAN.

The ocean was lovely. He prefers the usual brand.

ADVICE / MIXED SIGNALS

Cat’s Guide to Flirting: Ignore Him Until He Leaves. Then Scream.

Our romance desk has a highly successful sequence.

DOMESTIC DIPLOMACY

CAT DENIES HAVING A FAVORITE HUMAN WHILE SITTING ON HIM.

Both humans are equally valued. One may need permission to stand.

SOCIETY & SPARKLE

Socialite Cat Sparks Engagement Rumors With Huge Diamond. Jeweler Also Has Questions.

Vivienne’s enormous diamond has prompted engagement speculashun across the district. She has declined to identify a fiancé, calling that a rather small detail to get distracted by.

DISTRICT INVESTIGATIONS

Cat Detective Investigates Shredded Curtains. Calls Attack “Highly Skilled.”

The district’s cat detective has described the shredded curtains as the work of an unusually talentid individual. He urged residents not to confuse damage with a lack of artistic sensibility.

DISTRICT BUSINESS

Cat Boycotts Toy Store. Visits Daily to Make Sure It’s Suffering.

Following a customer-service dispute, Arnold announced a prinsipled boycott of the toy store. He now arrives before opening to monitor the financial devastashun.

DINING & OUTRAGE

Longhaired Cat Sends Dinner Back Because There Is Cat Hair in It.

A longhaired diner has returned his dinner after discovering a hair, describing the incident as a devastating collapse in standerds.

SMALL GOOD THINGS

Local Cat Finds Second Crinkly Thing Inside First Crinkly Thing.

A local cat’s afternoon improved beyond all reasonable expectashuns when the crinkly paper he was investigating revealed another crinkly paper underneath.

SOCIETY / DAMAGE CONTROL

CAT RETRACTS PURR AFTER LEARNING WHO WAS PETTING HIM.

The pleasure was real. The endorsement has been withdrawn.

SOCIETY / A SOLID MATCH

SOCIETY CAT ENGAGED TO SCRATCHING POST. FRIENDS SAY HE’S GOOD FOR HER.

He listens. He stays. He has never borrowed her car.

CULTURE / THE AFTERNOON SHOW

CATS SAVE NEIGHBORHOOD CINEMA. IT IS A WINDOW WITH A BIRD FEEDER.

The cabinet is moving. The audience is not.

SOCIETY / SELF-MADE

Self-Made Cat Started With Nothing but His Parents’ Entire House.

At a motivational brunch in his inherited mansion, Rupert explained that his rise began with nothing but determinashun and unrestricted access to the entire property.

HOUSEHOLD / NEW ARRIVALS

Cat Delighted to Learn Family Is Getting a Dog. Assumes He Will Be in Charge of It.

Bert has greeted news of a household dog with genuine enthuziasm. He prepared a small bed beside his own and has been checking it regularly in case the dog arrived quietly.

IMPORTANT THINKING

Scottish Fold Denies Having Given Up. Says This Is His Thinking Position.

A Scottish Fold has rejected reports that he has given up, explaining that important decishuns require a position in which nobody expects him to get up.

SOCIETY

CAT FINALLY ADMITTED TO EXCLUSIVE CLUB. IMMEDIATELY OBJECTS TO NEXT APPLICANT.

A society cat who spent years calling the district’s private club a nest of unbearable snobs has finally been admitted. She immediately chose a velvet chair and became concerned about standards.

INVESTIGASHUN

CAT DETECTIVE INVESTIGATES MISSING GOLDFISH. VOWS TO FIND KILLER.

A local cat detective has promised to bring a missing goldfish’s killer to justice. He arrived at the scene shortly after breakfast and immediately took charge of the bowl.

WEDDINGS

Cat Officiates Ex’s Wedding. Leaves Unusually Long Pause for Objections.

Felix accepted the honor of officiating his ex’s wedding with remarkable maturitee. He arrived early, checked the flowers and asked how binding the whole thing needed to be.

LITERARY SOCIETY

CAT BOOK CLUB VOTES TO DISCUSS ABSENT MEMBER INSTEAD.

For once, everybody has done the reading.

SIDELINE SUPPORT

CAT’S GIRLFRIEND CHEERS HIM ON DURING HUNT. MOUSE THANKS HER FOR WARNING.

His biggest fan has excellent projection.

FILM

CAT DIRECTOR REPLACES LEAD ACTOR WITH AI CAN OF TUNA. CALLS PERFORMANCE “IRRESISTIBLE.”

The director has found his muse. It is packed in spring water.

THE BUSINESS

CAT’S “FULLY AUTOMATED” FILM STUDIO IS ONE EXHAUSTED HUMAN.

The future of filmmaking has asked for a bathroom break.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS

CAT ANNOUNCES NEW RELATIONSHIP. BOYFRIEND LEARNS ABOUT IT WITH EVERYONE ELSE.

An exciting new chapter. He would like to read the first one.

FAMILY MATTERS

CAT INSISTS FAMILY RESCUE PHOTO IS MISLEADING. “I TOOK THEM IN.”

A heartwarming rescue story. The rescuer disputes the caption.

RELATIONSHIPS

CATS END SEVEN-YEAR FEUD. ONE HAD NO IDEA THEY WERE FEUDING.

Seven years of silence. Two very different interpretations.

LUXURY

CAT BUYS $300,000 WATCH. STILL HAS NOWHERE TO BE.

Extraordinary precision. No commitments.

CAREER NEWS

CAT ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT. NOBODY KNEW HE HAD A JOB.

A long career. A grateful district. A few missing details.

WEDDINGS

CAT COUPLE PLANS SECRET WEDDING. BRIDE ASKS WHO’S HANDLING PRESS.

A private ceremony. A carefully selected hedge.

PROPERTY

CAT ACCIDENTALLY BUYS HOUSE AT AUCTION. WAS ONLY SCRATCHING HIS EAR.

He had an itch. The auctioneer saw ambition.

SOCIETY / DAMAGE CONTROL

CAT APOLOGIZES FOR INSULT. REPEATS IT FOR ANYONE WHO MISSED IT.

She would like to clear the air. Can everyone hear her?

FASHION

VINTAGE COLLAR RETURNS TO FASHION. CAT DEMANDS APOLOGY FROM EVERYONE WHO LAUGHED.

The collar survived. So did her memory.

DOMESTIC AFFAIRS

WIFE TRIES NEW WIG. HUSBAND’S ENTHUSIASM BECOMES A PROBLEM.

His explanation was getting worse. Then the wig moved.

AN IMPORTANT REVISED ANNOUNCEMENT

UPDATE! MURRAY CHANGES HIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

He is now a seafood platter.

DISTRICT GOSSIP

DIVA CAT RESPONDS TO RIVAL WITH SINGLE BLINK. DISTRICT CALLS EMERGENCY MEETING.

One blink. Four witnesses. Absolutely no useful information.

SCREEN CHEMISTRY

CAT CO-STARS DENY ROMANCE. SAY MUTUAL GROOMING IS ‘CHARACTER RESEARCH.’

Some performances require extensive preparation and a shared cushion.

BEAUTY / THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT

CAT REVEALS LUXURY SKINCARE ROUTINE. IT’S SPIT.

The formula is proprietary. The paw came with her.

BUSINESS / DAMAGE WITH A BUSINESS MODEL

CAT LICENSES SIGNATURE SCRATCHES. SENDS SOFA OWNER AN INVOICE.

The couch is yours. The pattern is apparently not.

CULTURE / PLEASE STOP NETWORKING

CAT CONVENTION ADDS QUIET ROOM. ENTIRE CONVENTION MOVES THERE.

The keynote speaker would also like everyone to leave him alone.

FILM / AN IMPORTANT NEW VOICE

CAT CRITIC GIVES FILM FIVE STARS. THERE WAS A MOTH ON THE SCREEN.

A rave review. A difficult follow-up interview.

LIFESTYLE / STOCK UNAVAILABLE

CAT LAUNCHES LUXURY GIFT BASKET. REFUSES TO GET OUT.

The founder has become a fulfilment issue.

RELATIONSHIPS / SEPARATE KEYS

CAT COUPLE REVEALS SECRET TO LASTING LOVE: DIFFERENT HOUSES.

They still make time for each other. Just not breakfast.

TELEVISION / PLEASE STAND BY

CAT HALTS LIVE DANCE FINAL TO WASH ONE LEG.

The orchestra has been asked to find another verse.

FASHUN EMERGENCY

CAT’S RED-CARPET COLLAR TOO EXPENSIVE TO SCRATCH UNDER.

The jewels are borrowed. The itch is her own.

SOCIETY / SECOND HELPINGS

ARISTOCAT USES DIFFERENT NAME NEXT DOOR. RECEIVES SECOND DINNER AS “DAVE.”

At home, he has a title. Next door, he has chicken.

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

MURRAY UNVEILS HIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME.

There is a ship on his wig. He is very pleased.

FILM / EXTENDED PREPARATION

METHOD CAT ACTOR STILL BEING A BASTARD. FILM WRAPPED IN JUNE.

The performance continues. Nobody has ordered another one.

PARENTING / STAFFING CRISIS

CAT HIRES FIVE NANNIES. SIXTH NEEDED TO HEAR HOW HARD IT IS.

Every need has been delegated except the need to complain.

SOCIETY / HUMAN RESOURCES

SOCIETY CAT INTRODUCES GROWN DAUGHTER AS “A FRIEND FROM WORK.”

An inconvenient family resemblance has become a professional matter.

RELATIONSHIPS / COSMIC EXCUSES

CAT BLAMES AFFAIR ON VENUS. HUSBAND BLAMES DEREK.

The planets are taking a lot of blame for a very local arrangement.

BREAKUPS / PERSONAL GROWTH

CAT UNVEILS REVENGE BODY. IT IS THE SAME BODY IN BETTER LIGHT.

He has changed his life. Mainly its exposure settings.

CELEBRITY / RURAL AFFAIRS

FAMOUS CAT MOVES TO COUNTRY TO BE LEFT ALONE. FURIOUS THAT IT WORKS.

He wanted a normal life. Not to be treated like a normal cat.

STYLE / YOU CAN GO

CAT DECLARES GREY OUT OF FASHION. GREY HOST ASKED TO LEAVE OWN PARTY.

The room needed color. Apparently the owner did not qualify.

JEWELS / DEEPLY PERSONAL

CAT WEARS ‘PRICELESS FAMILY HEIRLOOM.’ FAMILY REPORTS IT MISSING.

A moving family history. The family would like it back.

TELEVISION / TERRITORY RIGHTS

CAT DEMANDS RIVAL DATING SHOW STOP FILMING HIS ALLEY.

He invented waiting outside for someone attractive. Allegedly.

BEAUTY / ALREADY EVERYWHERE

CAT LAUNCHES SIGNATURE SCENT. NEIGHBORS ALREADY FAMILIAR.

An exclusive fragrance. Available on your trouser leg since March.

SPORT / TERMS REVISED

CAT WINS VACUUM RODEO. MALE RIVALS SAY THEY WERE NEVER COMPETING.

She completed the lap. They completed an explanation.

THE INTERVIEW / CONCLUDED

CAT EMBRACES GETTING OLDER. ‘I NO LONGER PRETEND TO LISTEN.’

With age comes freedom. Mostly freedom to leave.

CULTURE / COVER TO COVER

CAT ADMITS SHE HAS NEVER READ A BOOK. HAS STRONG OPINIONS ON ALL OF THEM.

The District’s fiercest critic has found a way around the reading.

RELATIONSHIPS / POINT OF ORDER

CAT DEFENDS EX. ‘SHE WAS AWFUL FOR COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASONS.’

He will not stand by while people get the complaints wrong.

BEACH LIFE / LIMITED SERVICE

CAT POSES AS LIFEGUARD. CLARIFIES SHE WILL NOT BE ENTERING WATER.

She is watching the bay. Please do not add responsibilities.

HOSPITALITY / HOSTILITY

CAT OPENS LUXURY HOTEL. EVERY ROOM IS HERS.

Reservations are open. The rooms are a more sensitive subject.

SOCIETY / NAMING RIGHTS

NEW KITTEN GIVEN BEAUTIFUL NAME. HOUSEHOLD ALREADY CALLING HER “STOP THAT.”

A name chosen with love. A second name chosen near the curtains.

BUSINESS / DO NOT DISTURB

CAT DECLARES BED HER OFFICE. STILL UNAVAILABLE DURING OFFICE HOURS.

Headquarters has moved upstairs. Nobody is taking your call.

DINING / VERY INDEPENDENT

CAT REVIEWS CITY’S RESTAURANTS. FIVE STARS FOR FISH. ONE STAR FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

His standards are exacting. There is one standard.

COUNTRY / SECOND CHOICE

COUNTRY KITTY’S “CHOOSIN’ PUPPIES” BREAKS RECORDS. HER HUMAN STILL CHOOSES PUPPIES.

Number one everywhere except her own house.

JUSTICE / FIRST IMPRESSIONS

CAT REPORTS FOR JURY DUTY. HAS ALREADY DECIDED EVERYONE IS GUILTY.

She has an open mind. Nothing is getting in.

POP / SPECIAL EFFECTS

POP CAT DEMANDS WATER-DISSOLVING GOWN. DEMANDS TO KNOW WHO AUTHORIZED THE WATER.

She approved the disappearing dress. Not the method.

SOCIETY / EDITORIAL CONTROL

BRIDE RELEASES “UNSEEN WEDDING FOOTAGE.” GROOM ASKS WHY HE WASN’T IN THE FIRST VERSION.

A beautiful record of the happiest day of her life. His involvement remains unclear.

AWARDS / FACE VALUE

CAT PRACTICES GRACIOUS LOSER FACE. VET SAYS IT MAY REQUIRE SURGERY.

Her mouth says congratulations. The rest is a medical matter.

CELEBRITY / WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

ACTRESS ASKS DISTRICT TO RESPECT HER PRIVACY. DISTRICT SAYS CLOSE THE BLINDS.

She would like everyone to stop looking. Not enough to move.

PROPERTY / MOVING THROUGH GRIEF

EMPTY-NEST CAT WEEPS AS LAST KITTEN LEAVES. HAS A TENANT BY FOUR.

The nursery is empty. The deposit has cleared.

HIGH SOCIETY / RAPID DESCENT

ARISTOCAT COMPLETES CHARITY SKYDIVE. INSISTS HE WAS PUSHED.

The landing was perfect. The allegations began immediately.

MUSIC / PERSONAL GROWTH, SOLD SEPARATELY

POP CAT APOLOGIZES TO EX IN NEW SONG; EX MUST BUY DELUXE EDITION TO HEAR IT.

She has finally taken responsibility. There is a small access fee.

TELEVISION / COMFORT VIEWING

CAT SAYS TRUE-CRIME SHOWS HELP HIM RELAX; HOUSEHOLD FINDS HIS NOTES.

He says the narrator is soothing. The notebook is less soothing.

COUNTRY / COURAGE WITH CONDITIONS

COUNTRY CAT FACES GREATEST FEAR IN BRAVE NEW VIDEO; VACUUM WAS UNPLUGGED.

A moving statement about fear. An appliance that could not move air.

DIPLOMACY / MINE ACTUALLY

VISITING CHINESE CAT GIVEN WHITE HOUSE TOUR; HOST IDENTIFIES EVERY ROOM AS HIS.

A guided tour. A surprisingly simple ownership structure.

SOCIETY / EXTREMELY CASUAL

PODCAST CAT INVITES ROYAL TO DISCUSS FIELD HOCKEY AND CHILDREN; SAYS ‘NO PRESSURE’ FOUR TIMES.

The invitation is relaxed. The empty throne has been upholstered.

AWARDS / PLEASE REMAIN SEATED

CAT VIDEO AWARDS PROMISE ‘FAST-PACED’ SHOW; PRODUCER HAS SEEN AUDIENCE LEAVE THE ROOM BEFORE.

Two hours of prestige face stiff competition from an empty box.

ENTERTAINMENT / LOWER YOUR CHIN

DIRECTOR FLOODED WITH AUDITIONS FOR DIVA BIOPIC; SAYS NONE HAVE MASTERED HER DISDAIN.

Every cat can do a staircase turn. Contempt remains a rare skill.

SEASONAL LIVING / LIGHT A MATCH

FALL’S NEW LITTER SCENT IS... PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE! DISTRICT PREPARES TO POOP FESTIVELY.

Autumn arrives in the box, wearing a tiny scarf and charging extra.

MUSIC / PEACEFUL TRANSFER

MASKED QUÉBÉCOIS CAT DUO MAKES U.S. TV DEBUT; CONFUSED HUMANS APPLAUD WILDLY.

Two masks, one double-neck instrument and a room mistaking phase one for performance art.

RELATIONSHIPS / LOG OUT FIRST

TOMCAT DENIES SECRET ACCOUNT RATING EX’S NEW BOYFRIEND’S WHISKERS; REMAINS ITS ONLY FOLLOWER.

An independent critic. One follower. A deeply personal scoring system.

TELEVISION / ARTISTIC BOUNDARIES

ACTRESS REFUSES NUDE SCENE; COSTUMER NOTES SHE HAS NEVER WORN CLOTHES.

Production stops. Wardrobe takes a very short inventory.

AWARDS SEASON / STILL HOLDING

AWARDS-SHOW LITTER BOX HUG LASTS LONG ENOUGH TO REQUIRE A STATEMENT.

A private moment acquires a witness, then a communications team.

SOCIETY / EVERYONE CAN CALM DOWN

OLDER TABBY DEFENDS ROMANCE WITH TWO-YEAR-OLD TOM; ‘HE HAS HIS OWN LITTER BOX.’

Two adult cats. Approximately forty unsolicited opinions.

TELEVISION / NO PRIVACY IN THIS HOUSE

REALITY CAT THREATENS TO QUIT HIT HOUSE SHOW; SAYS CAST ‘TURNED THE LITTER BOX INTO CONTENT.’

She will leave the show as soon as they film her leaving.

RELATIONSHIPS / PLEASE CONFIRM DELIVERY

TOM SENDS EX 14 MINNOWS DAYS AFTER BREAKUP; INSISTS THIS IS CLOSURE.

Fourteen fish. Not one clear message.

CULTURE / DO NOT SIT IN THE ART

POP CAT AND FORMER MAYOR ATTEND MUSEUM GALA; SECURITY REMINDS THEM THE VELVET ROPE APPLIES TO CATS.

The former mayor mistook public funding for a reserved seat.

SOCIETY / THE REIGN HAS BEGUN

MARRIED MOTHER WINS DISTRICT BEAUTY CROWN; KITTENS EAT SASH BEFORE OFFICIAL PHOTOS.

A historic win. A very short-lived accessory.

STYLE / SOMEONE WILL BE BLAMED

ACTOR CAT DEBUTS SEVERE NEW SHAVE; EXPLAINS NOTHING, FIRES GROOMER ANYWAY.

His vision. Somebody else’s last day.

POWER / INDEPENDENTLY SUPERVISED

GLAMOUR CAT INSISTS BOYFRIEND DOESN’T RUN HER EMPIRE; HE CONFIRMS THIS ON HER BEHALF.

She runs the empire they way she wants. He just lets her know what that way is.

CULTURE / PLEASE STOP

POP DIVA OPENS 12-NIGHT ROOFTOP RESIDENCY; PIGEONS FILE NOISE COMPLAINT.

Twelve nights. One rooftop. No consent from the neighboring buildings.

FAMILY / TEMPORARY CEASEFIRE

ESTRANGED CATS PAUSE DIVORCE FOR KITTEN’S SOCCER MEDAL; RESUME HISSING IN CAR.

For one photograph, everyone was extremely well adjusted.

SOCIETY / REVISIONIST HISS-TORY

ROOFTOP WEDDING STYLIST CHANGES STORY AGAIN; SAYS TRUTH IS ‘BAD FOR THE BRAND.’

The ceremony was intimate. The corrections have been extensive.

FAMILY / CONVENIENT UNCERTAINTY

TWO ORANGE TOMS REFUSE DNA TEST; ‘BROTHERS’ IS MORE FUN WITHOUT EVIDENCE.

The swab is ready. Their mother has suddenly remembered an appointment.

MONEY / PERSONAL GROWTH

STAR TOM LOSES FORTUNE IN PONZI SCHEME; ADVISER SAYS MONEY IS ‘IN A BETTER PLACE.’

The returns were fictional. The waterfront property was not.

STYLE / SUSPICIOUS GROOMING

LOCAL LONGHAIR DEBUTS TOTAL SHAVE; REFUSES TO DISCUSS FLEAS OR “THE INCIDENT”

Nobody believes it was “just for summer.”

CELEBRITY / WELLNESS

ACTRESS CAT QUITS SOCIAL MEDIA FOR MENTAL HEALTH; HAS ASSISTANT PRINT REVIEWS SO SHE CAN IGNORE THEM BY HAND

She prefers criticism on paper, where it can be shredded.

SPORTS / ROSTER PANIC

BROWNS ADD CAT TO ALL-HUMAN ROSTER; VEGAS IMMEDIATELY LOWERS PROJECTED LOSS BY HALF A POINT

Analysts upgrade team from “NO” to “PROBABLY NOT.”

SCANDAL / BOUNDARY ISSUES

SOCIALITE ADMITS SHE “CROSSED A LINE.” LINE WAS LASER; MARRIED TOM WAS IN THE NEXT KITCHEN

Apparently the laser led to his crotch.

FAMILY / NAME DISPUTE

FAMOUS AUNT ASKS KITTENS TO STOP USING FULL NAME; THEY ADD “HER MAJESTY”

She just wants to be seen like a regular cat.

TELEVISION / FLOOR BIAS

MR. BISCUITS ELIMINATED FROM “DANCING WITH THE STRAYS” AFTER ONE ROUTINE; BLAMES FLOOR

The tassel advanced. He did not.

EMMYS / PATERNITY PENDING

COUNTESS DEBUTS BABY BUMP AT THE EMMYS; NINE POSSIBLE FATHERS ISSUE IDENTICAL STATEMENTS

Her publicist requests privacy from everyone except photographers.

TELEVISION / TOTALLY INDEPENDENT JUDGING

KITTY’S BAY WINS 14 DISTRICT AWARDS; 11 CATEGORIES WERE CREATED THIS MORNING

The cursed island swept the ceremony. The ferry has stopped running.

CELEBRITY CHILDREN / CLEAR COMMUNICATION

CELEBRITY KITTEN SAYS ‘NO’ TO DINNER, BITES STAFF WHEN DINNER IS REMOVED

Her representatives reject your interpretation of the word ‘no.’

SEPT 15, 2026

MISS VELVET DENIES WHISKER LIFT AFTER MET BALL: ‘IT WAS JUST THE LIGHTING’

Her face has not changed. The chandelier has retained counsel.

SEPT 15, 2026

PRINCESS COLLARS ARE OVER; EXPOSED NECKS AND QUESTIONABLE SHAVES TO RULE AUTUMN

The collar you bought on Friday is embarrassing. The cat who sold it to you has a new collection.

SEPT 15, 2026

SECOND-BORN TABBY ESCAPES FAMOUS BROTHER’S SHADOW BY MOVING THREE INCHES DOWN THE WINDOWSILL

He wants to be known for his own work. First, he would like you to know who his brother is.

SEPT 14, 2026

TWO CATS SEEN ENTERING THIRD CAT’S EMPTY APARTMENT; DOORMAN “SAW NOTHING”

The apartment was empty. The guest list was not.

SEPT 14, 2026

LOCAL CAT ANNOUNCES CELIBACY; THREE PORCHES REQUEST CLARIFICATION

Nobody gets “intimate access” until they are “the one.” Previous applicants would like their paperwork returned.

SEPT 14, 2026

DIVORCED CATS PHOTOGRAPHED AT SAME BIRTHDAY TABLE; FAMILY CALLS IT “PROGRESS”

They sat together, shared the kibble, and only corrected the seating chart twice.

SEPT 11, 2026

HE FIXED HER TAIL. SHE GAVE HIM THE LOOK.

He says he was helping. She has asked us to print that in quotation marks.

SEPT 11, 2026

EXILED ORANGE TABBY RETURNS WITH VERY FULL TERRITORY CALENDAR

A private visit, according to the press release announcing every minute of it.

SEPT 11, 2026

MALIBU CAT DENIES DIGGING 30-FOOT “LITTER SITUASHUN”

The hole is structural. His denial is mostly decorative.

ORIGINAL EDITION

MAYOR MARMALADE DENIES PUSHING GLASS. GLASS "FELL WRONG."

Witnesses saw a paw. Mayor says paws are everywhere and this proves nothing. Plant has been asked not to speek to press.

ORIGINAL EDITION

WHICH LOCAL ICON RUINED THE CHAIR AND LOOKED AMAZING DOING IT?

Sources say the chair had bad energy and frankly it was asking for texture.