STYLE / SUSPICIOUS GROOMING
LOCAL LONGHAIR DEBUTS TOTAL SHAVE; REFUSES TO DISCUSS FLEAS OR “THE INCIDENT”
Nobody believes it was “just for summer.”
EXAMINE THE ALIBI →FRIDAY’S PAPER / SEPTEMBER 18, 2026
THE STREET
HEARD THINGS.
Three stories. Three overheards. No one behaved.
CELEBRITY / WELLNESS
ACTRESS CAT QUITS SOCIAL MEDIA FOR MENTAL HEALTH; HAS ASSISTANT PRINT REVIEWS SO SHE CAN IGNORE THEM BY HAND
She prefers criticism on paper, where it can be shredded.
READ THE REVIEWS SHE DOESN’T →
SPORTS / ROSTER PANIC
BROWNS ADD CAT TO ALL-HUMAN ROSTER; VEGAS IMMEDIATELY LOWERS PROJECTED LOSS BY HALF A POINT
Analysts upgrade team from “NO” to “PROBABLY NOT.”
REVIEW THE DEPTH CHART →OVERHEARD BY THE VENT / SEPTEMBER 18, 2026
THEY SAID
WHAT NOW?
Fictional overheards. Nobody here can be trusted.
“I buried it because I love you. Also because it was evidence.”— Franklin, beside the hydrangeas
“He has beautiful eyes and absolutely no money.”— Lorraine, checking the second bowl
“That dress is brave.”— Helena, meaning something else